If you've read any of my blogs so far, you know I'm struggling to pick a theme. An old schoolmate emailed me and said he'd been checking out my stuff and thought I should write about relationships. Not just romantic relationships, but relationships of every kind. I've got to admit, that thought had been making it's way to the top of my mental list. Writing about your tortured heart and wounded soul can be fun and therapeautic, which is why I guess City and Colour songs are so true and agonizing. That Dallas sure must like dwelling on hearbreak and torment and love lost.
I don't pretend to be Carrie Bradshaw. I'm not out here to pen the next Sex and the City. It's been done and I'm such a Candace Bushnell fan that I wouldn't dare compare myself to her. Every girl has a bit of the Bradshaw in her, a smidge of Samantha's sexiness, a miniscule amount of Miranda's masculinity and a cornacoupia of the Charlotte York-Goldenblatt optisism. So, sure I'd love for my story to end up with a Mr. Big character (and for a while I really thought it would), but I'd never wear that cone-boob Vivienne Westwood wedding dress to my nuptials. And by "my nuptials" I'm referring to those as-yet non-existent wedding festivities for my and my groom. Gotta get a boyfriend before you can get hitched....darn it!
For ages I was obsessed with finding a boyfriend, having him fall madly in love with me and being confident that we were headed down the aisle. I stopped obsessing over this because it was getting me nowhere and crushing my spirit in the process. There were some casualities on my path to relationship enlightenment. Some broken hearts were not mine, but it still crushed me to be the one ending things. Although I hate the song (and forgive me since I'm Canadian and should worship Joni Mitchell), you really don't know what you've got until it's gone. I warned guys of this when things started to get rocky. I would say, "I've been here and the second I'm out of this thing, you'll realize what an idiot you are for letting me go and you'll want me back." Come to think of it, it does sound pretty threatening so I can see why it didn't work. I was always proved right though. The ones I was strong enough to leave have always come back, but never in time.
I've been lucky enough to be able to shut my heart off when my brain decides the relationship is not working. When I'm determined to get over a guy, I will. I can flick a switch and I'm a new woman. There's only been one guy that I couldn't separate from my heart. That internal critic urged me to move on and avoid the impending heartbreak, but I just couldn't. I couldn't because I didn't want to. I didn't want to because I couldn't give up. I couldn't give up because I was sure there were still things worth hanging on to there. So far, I've been right and it's awesome.