I had an epiphany earlier this week. I was holding some stuff in for a while and then felt I needed to get it all out Monday night. I'm not usually one to hang on to feelings about things, but I do pick my battles. I don't lash out and yell all the time, but I also try not to bottle things up. Apparently, I had sealed this issue right up and it was causing me more problems than I realized.
I was upset, so bf and I hased it all out and I realized that what was really bothering me was the feeling that I didn't have anyone to take care of me. Ryan was shocked and it makes sense. I'm always looking after people. My friends, my sisters, my Dad, my dogs, coworkers. I never say "no" and I often take on more than I should be handling. I get it all done and I rarely ask for help. I'm not turning down help because I'm stubborn, but I do try and handle everything myself. I guess it's the product of being the oldest child, the only child of divorced parents and the child of a deceased mother and absentee biological father. My step dad is fantastic and he's the man I consider my father, but I still have to care for him sometimes.
In looking after everyone else, I neglected to examine why I was doing that. This week it hit me: I'm looking after people because what I really want is for someone to look after me. Ryan was astounded when I said that and so was I. It was the first time I had uttered those words aloud and let myself be vulnerable. I wanted a caregiver. I've been missing my mother for what feels like my entire life. I don't resent having grown up fast. It's made me who I am and I'm proud of that. Would I like to turn to my mom sometimes and ask for help? Of course. In losing her, I just figured I needed to take things on myself, so I stopped asking people to take care of me.
Ryan is a huge part of my life and in realizing that I want to spend forever with him, I also realized that deep down I was hoping he would swoop in and take care of me. He had no idea because I had never told him. I had never told him because I just figured it out on Monday night. I just figured it out on Monday night because I was struggling with my feelings. I was struggling with my feelings because I had locked them in for ages and tried to move on. Don't do this to yourself folks. Don't be a hero. If you need to cry, cry. If you want to scream, yell until your voice is hoarse. If you need help, ask for it. Chances are the people around don't read minds and will help if you just ask.
Happy weekend lovelies.