This Time

This time, I'm not going to be so afraid of getting my heart broken. This time I will take the chance that it could end and that's okay. I'm learning to live one day at a time. My cousin told me years ago that you should live one day at a time and buy RSPs. It's over ten years later and I still think of the morning he told me that often and I try to live it. It makes perfect sense to me, but I fall off the wagon...often.

I'm getting better at silencing that internal critic, but frequently she creeps in when I'm not expecting her and asks, "So? Why do you think IT hasn't happened yet? What do you think other women have that you don't? When will I find true love? I've been told not to focus on this and just let it happen. A friend told me to "Let go and let God." That's my new thing. I'm really trying. I have total faith in the knowledge that my husband is out there (he may even be so close that I'm already looking at him) and that one day I will be married with a family. I KNOW it will happen, I just feel like I've been waiting all my life for this and I'm impatient. I'm not losing faith though because I know this stage of my life will happen and it will be incredible.

Some of this terrifies me. Some things I can barely admit to myself. Some days I feel SO confident that I'm in the right place romantically and then the critic shows up and rips my confidence right out of me. Those days are not fun. Those moments when I question everything and wonder if I'm the most naive women ever and if I'm setting myself up to have my heart torn from my chest undo all the progress I've made at living one day at a time. Being afraid there's no future in something is tough, especially when you really want that future to happen.

Speak soon and love much, Miss CMaj

1 comment:

ali said...

Just like when Charlotte said, "I've been dating since I was 16! I'm exhausted! Where is he?!"
Just like when Charlotte said, "I've been dating since I was 16! I'm exhausted! Where is he?!"
I know exactly what you mean about getting married. It feels like I wanted that more than I wanted my own personal career dreams to come true or loved someone more than I loved myself. We can't have one without the other. Some days I feel confident too. I'm so sure and then something happens that can totally throw me off. I always say "I can convince myself that something is white and then turn around and convince myself that its black. I'm so confusing!" Honestly, I've always heard the living day by day saying but never owned it and practiced it. I just recently have and WOW what a difference.