This Nagging Question

Do you ever wonder if you're really doing what you're supposed to be doing on this earth? I often wonder how long I'll stay in the industry I just fell in to from university. Yes, I studied writing in university and the goal my entire life has been to write, but compliance training for a bank wasn't exactly what I dreamed of. Certainly pays for the manicures and puppy spa visits for Gigi and the Starbucks addiction, but what is it feeding my soul?

I spend five days a week at a computer for at least eight hours straight. Sometimes I eat my lunch in the dining hall, but usually I'm grabbing bites of cold rice and wilted salad an hour after I brought lunch to my desk. It's not because I'm so in love with my work that I can't pull myself away, it's because there's always work to be done. Don't get me wrong, I'm lucky to have this job and any job really, but I continually ask myself when I'm going to make that leap and put all my money on ME.

I've had a couple of dream career ideas and they're always in the back of my mind, I've just got to decide when I'll be brave enough to go after one of them. My pal Shannon was a victim of the economy and turned her life around. She loves animals - hence the friendship - so she started a dog walking business downtown. Gigi was her second client. In under six months she was pulling in more dough walking dogs than she had been as a marketing manager in the biz for ten years. And she's HAPPY. Like capital "h" happy. Start-up costs were minimal and each day when I leave for work I envy her. I know she gets to spend the day with furry people, including my fur baby and I wish I had the guts to do what she does.

What's your dream? Are you living it? Are you going after it? Are you in a career that you didn't plan for and think one day you'll quit and do what you really want to be doing? That's me. It's not a matter of if, it's only a matter of when. Bet on yourself and go after those dreams.

This Cuppa Cheer

For me, it's really the simple things in life. The smallest thing can turn my entire day around and I consider myself really lucky to see the world this way. This doesn't mean I don't adore HUGE gestures of the insanely rich kind as well. Shoot, if you wanna bestow upon me a swank downtown condo with a view, that'd make me super happy too, but the sight of the Christmas cups at Starbucks is my personal thrill for today.

The start of the holidays is bitter-sweet for me because I'm always wondering how it would feel if my mom were still here. Christmas was IT for my mom and she made each season incredible no matter how broke we were. My favourite memories as a kid are the ones that only made sense later on, when I was "let in" on the Santa secret. One year, Santa left me a note on the new kitchen set he had left me. I was stoked that the big elf had left ME a personally written note on my kitchen chalkboard. Now I wonder how I didn't recognize my mom's handwriting... Another year my mom helped me set out a snack for Santa before I went off to bed. I wanted to leave him milk (my mom wasn't a fan), but my mom thought Santa would prefer an icy class of Coca-Cola. If you knew my mom, you know that she loved a refreshing glass of coke. When she helped me pick out the sweets to leave Santa, she suggested that I save the cookies for myself and leave Santa some of the festive delights my Nanny had made for us. Coincidentally, my mom's faves. Good job Mama ;)

I miss my mom every single minute of every single day and I don't think that will ever change. Time doesn't lessen my sorrow, but the warmth I feel knowing my mom hasn't really left helps. I dream about her almost every night. For years, she was seldom a part of my dreams and in each of them I always knew she'd have to leave again. I cried through most of those ones. Now, it's like she's still here. I share parts of my day with her, talk to her about the people in my life, ask her about the boy, and there aren't nearly as many tears.

My dad spares no expense if he sees something he knows my mom would have loved. Charlie Brown was Mr. Christmas for my mom, so my dad buys up every ornament he can find with The Peanuts theme. We blast the soundtrack and watching my dad do his piano player impression with enthusiasm sort of lets me forget that mom isn't here.

The first time I watch A Charlie Brown Christmas each season, I cry because it was my mom's favourite and because I really wish I could still watch it with her. That movie reminds me of a simpler time when I wasn't consumed with career choices, bills, juggling a hectic schedule and trying to be a daughter, sister, pseudo-mom, friend, employee, romantic partner, cousin, granddaughter and more to all the important people in my life. As I grow and mature, I'm learning how to be Crystal and who she is to the people around her. Some of it may be tough, but with each day and the challenges it might bring I still find the happy stuff hidden and I always have a smile.

This Sunshine Kisses My Face

Well folks, the dwindling economy has affected Major Gal...I got laid off! Sitting at my desk Monday afternoon, I was busily taking screen captures for a user guide I've been creating when the IT manager asked to see me in his office. I thought maybe he could tell that I'd been on FB at work and was going to reprimand me. I saved my work, locked my computer and went downstairs to his office. I did NOT expect to be laid off. My entire team was let go "without cause or prejudice" Monday afternoon, but instead of being upset I see this as a great opportunity. I've been scouring the job sites each day for new opportunities and I've looked into some new courses I want to take and I'm fine with all this. I've already had an interview downtown (right beside Holts - shoot me) and I'm not worried at all. I think this is just the universe testing me again by saying, "Crystal, you know you weren't thrilled with your job and you wanted to move forward, so we gave you the push you needed." This girl bounces back and she does it with style.

The weather has been fantastic the past couple of days and I've relished sitting in my backyard with my dogs and feeling the sun on my face. Things could be so much worse. I have a loving home, friends and family who love me, a sweet Jeep and the faith that I'm coming into bigger and better things in the near future. Sure, I'm unemployed, but I'm healthy and happy. I've spent a lot of time outdoors since becoming a stay-at-home dog mother this week. I take my three mutts on a few walks each day, we cruise over to the dog park and I watch them frolic in the grass and then hose them off after they coat themselves in mud, I spend time in my garden and I enjoy each minute as it comes.

We can never really know what tomorrow will bring. You might lose your job, you might get hurt and you might find love. Whatever comes into your life tomorrow with the sunrise, embrace the opportunities and challenges because they're all part of what the universe has planned for you.