This Makes Me Proud

After a gloriously sunny Canada Day long weekend it's back to the regular grind for Major Gal. I've got some great memories to share from a wonderful weekend in Toronto. The city celebrated Pride and the celebrations came to a close yesterday, with the annual Pride Parade. This is actually a great way to shift into something I've been wanting to share with you guys for quite a while, but haven't known how to start.

I've always been open about my family and how lucky I am to be the older sister to three younger sisters. A few months ago my sister Chelsea came to me to say that she'd never felt like she was in the right body. Chelsea is now Devin - he's transitioning from female to male. I have a brother. This weekend I met Devin and his boyfriend Tyler at the trans events Friday night. I was happy that Devin wanted me to be a part of his celebrations. I brought my sweetheart friend Julie and we all danced outside with huge smiles on our faces.

I've always seen everyone as equal. Working downtown as a single, gorgeous young woman, my mom was always surrounded by creative people - not all of whom were straight. I learned at an early age that some boys like girls, some boys like boys, some girls like boys and some girls like girls and some people like everybody. I grew up promising myself that if my children ever came to me with questions about their sexuality that I would be open, welcoming and loving no matter what. Love is the most important thing. I accept everyone as they are. When Chelsea came out just before she turned 15 I was shocked, but I was supportive. At 15 I knew that I liked boys so I didn't think she was mistaken or just trying to get attention. She could tell what kind of feelings she had and she knew who they were directed at. I told her that if later she figured out that she wasn't a lesbian, it's okay to change her mind. I didn't want her to think that in telling people she was gay, she was stuck with a label. Our dad is really great because he has the biggest heart. He has always wanted us to have love - he doesn't care who we love. Okay well, there was that one older guy I dated when I was 16 that my dad threatened after I broke up with him, but otherwise my dad is very accepting! And I never heard from that guy again LOL!

When Devin told me he was becoming a man it brought up feelings I didn't know I could feel. I felt like a hypocrite. I was always so accepting, but this had never happened to anyone I knew and now it was happening to my little sister. I mourned my sister. There was an entire life of Chelsea Eileen that I felt like I had to erase now that Chelsea was living as Devin. I'm usually pretty good at holding it together, but this was entirely new for me. Devin is still the same person and I'm still learning. For example, when I refer to Devin as a young child, am I supposed to say "Devin" or "Chelsea?" He's Devin now, but he was Chelsea for 21 years. It's a learning process and I'm not perfect. I slip up on pronouns, but I'm trying really hard to be exactly the same sister I was before: loving, supportive and protective. I don't imagine Devin's journey will be without bumps, but I'll be here every step of the way.

Before my mom died a friend of ours wrote her a letter about a dream she had. In the letter she said that our family was on the beach. Jesus walked over to meet us. He bent down and picked my sisters up in his arms. They were laughing and smiling. He walked back and picked up my dad and then carried him to where my sisters were waiting. When he got back to me, he held my hand and walked beside me. It wasn't my dream but I can see it all so clearly in my mind. I think about that letter all the time. Cindy, the woman who wrote my mom the letter said she didn't know what any of it meant. My mom was in the hospital when she showed me the letter and she asked, "Well, do you know what it means to me?" I told her I didn't understand. She looked at me with her sweet blue eyes and said, "You're going to be the strong one. You're not going to need anyone to carry you through this."

Initially, I was heartbroken over Devin's decision and I had so much guilt over what that said about me. Was I homophobic? Was I a complete hypocrite always talking about equal rights but not wanting any of it to apply to my personal life? Was I a close-minded asshole? I always believed that people can honestly feel they are born into the wrong bodies. I don't think it's an illness or mental disorder, but I also don't believe God makes mistakes. It was tough for me. Just like I'll never fully accept that my mother died so young, I'll never be at ease with Devin being born in the wrong body. Why did he have to go through so many years feeling like he had a secret and not knowing why he was never really happy? Didn't he deserve happiness from the beginning? Shouldn't he have been a boy from conception?

I had so many emotions and was so confused over who I would share the news with. I wasn't keeping a secret, but I was respecting Devin's privacy. He wasn't fully out at that point and I really needed to understand how I was feeling. I didn't want to talk to people about it because I was afraid that some of the people I trust most in the world would judge my brother and therefore make me really angry with them. I don't think it was a "decision" with consequences, just like I don't think people choose to be gay.

When Devin told me I just cried. And cried. But this isn't about me. This is about my brother and how freggin' proud I am of him. Of being who he knows he is. Of showing such bravery in his job. Of having faith that our family will accept him (shit, even I'm scared that some of them will be jerks about it). Initially though, I had a really hard time with the news and that made me feel even worse.

I was shocked. I was sad. I was scared. Scared of what transitioning meant for Devin. Scared of what our family would say. Scared that maybe he was rushing into things. Scared that I was losing part of my identity. Nothing about me would change as a result of my brother's sexual identity or orientation, but suddenly I didn't have three sisters. I had two sisters and a brother. I know it's such a small thing, but it opened up a world of emotional pain for me. This will never be my journey. I will never know how hard it is for Devin to go through hormone therapy and begin puberty at 21 AGAIN. I won't know what it's like to avoid using public washrooms because it's not as simple as using the ladies' room anymore. I don't know what it's like to hand over your identification to the clerk at the LCBO and get looks of judgement because you have a girl's name and look like a boy. My brother makes me proud.

I'm a straight woman. I enjoy some freedoms others don't and I walk through life pretty easily. I'm very proud of my family. Of who we are all and how we're living honest lives. The bravery my brother has has shown me that he's grown so much and I don't always need to protect him. Devin was in kindergarten when our mom died, and I've always been very protective of my siblings. I would honestly give up my life for any one of them. I used to wonder how I could love my own kids more one day because I feel like my heart is so full where Jenna, Devin and Chandler are. I know there's infinite space in my heart though and I'll grow as much as I need to keep giving love to those around me. I love easily and I love in the biggest way possible. If I let people in, it's because I truly believe they deserve a spot in my heart.

This weekend I saw a city open its arms to so many beautiful people. I saw fireworks in celebration of this amazing country's birthday. I saw my brother surrounded by people who accept everything about him without even knowing his name or his story. I'm proud of all of this and Devin, I'm really proud of you.

Here's a picture of all three of the pups on my balcony yesterday. Aren't they adorable? I'm also a proud single fur mama and fur auntie :)

This Will Be 14 Years

You know, it's funny. I don't usually sit at my desk struggling for something to write, but I've started this some post a few times already. If you've been following me for more than a year, you might remember that I usually write about my mama around Canada Day. That's because she passed away on July 2nd, 1997. It still doesn't seem real to me sometimes. I'm guessing it never will.

I'm not sure what I can say about my gorgeous mother that I haven't already. She was too young. She didn't deserve to die. She should still be here. All the cliches apply and I've said them hundreds of times. I believe everything happens for a reason and that we're only given what we can handle in life. So, losing my mom at 15 was part of His plan. Sometimes plans really suck and generally, I love plans. I've got some questions when I get to heaven - I can tell ya that much.

Tonight I'm visiting my oldest and bestest friend, Meaghan. We're gonna sit on her porch swing, rocking back and forth and laughing while her hubby puts the baby to sleep. The summer my mom died, Meaghan didn't really ever leave my side. Megs, if I've never told you how important that was to me back then, here is my thanks. Many years have passed, but I haven't forgotten how wonderful you were during one of the worst times of my life. LYLAS.

I don't know if Canada Day will ever become one of those happy weekends for me again. Fireworks are beautiful. BBQs with friends and family are fantastic. Celebrating this wonderful country fills me with pride, but all the while I'm thinking about my mom and where I was at this time 14 years ago.

She's been gone for more than half my life now. Hardly seems possible. She's still such a huge part of things in my family. We all talk about her, laugh when we remember the good stuff and try to focus on the positives and not the negatives. When Kate showed my Aunt Dolly the sonogram of Lily, my aunt said, "She has Mina's nose. Look. She has that ski-jump nose just like Mina." She's still here. Maybe my aunt was seeing that facial characteristic because she wanted to and maybe, Lily really does take after her great aunt...wow...I never thought about it, but my mom would have been a great aunt by now. I guess a lot happens in 14 years. I've grown. My family has changed and expanded but one thing that remains is the place in our hearts where my mom will always be.

When you're out this weekend celebrating with your friends and families, think about how lucky you are to live in such a fantastic country, surrounded by people you love. You're blessed. And if you're watching the fireworks, say hi to my mama when the really bright lights cascade down through the night sky. I know she'd be thrilled.

Forever Mama xoxo

This Is Where I Come From

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Well, a while back I blogged about my cousin Kate being on bed rest and her teensy baby girl Lily. This morning Kate delivered Lily via c section and she's five pounds and two ounces of gorgeous, hugely loved baby goodness. When I brought Gigi home (I know, she's not a real baby but she's my real baby) from the store she was three months old and weighed more than Lily weighs right now. It got me thinking...what does 5 pounds look like? I have handbags that weigh more than this sweet little angel, but that's largely because I'm a bag lady and I carry way too much junk with me. None of it is makeup though. You'd think I'd have mirrors and eyeshadow and all that jazz weighing me down, but it's lotions, glasses, 8 zillion loyalty cards, a huge key chain, tissue (always)and who knows what else. A bunch of crumpled receipts, a lint covered piece of gum. Not pretty stuff. Anyways, let's focus on family and new babies today. Both are blessings.

This is baby sister (Chandler) and I at her Confirmation. It was years ago, but I still love this picture of us. I was her Sponsor. When Jen was confirmed, Kate was her Sponsor. When I was confirmed, Chris was mine. My Aunt Sharon was his and so on. We're a close family :)


I've been thinking how confusing my family tree probably is to someone outside my family. Kate is my cousin, Lily is my second cousin. My Aunt Dolly is Kate's mom. My mom is/was Kate's aunt. Got it? Here's a picture of our family tree, with lovely illustrations by me. I'm like, a super great artist. I know :) Today I'm sharing my Mom's side of the family. Our family name is Lewis and we're from Cape Breton. Holla to all my East Coasters!!

That's a family of 41...unless I lost count. That's including spouses and second cousins. Some we've lost: Nanny and Papa, my Uncle Bob and my mom. She was the baby of the six Lewis children. Her name was Patricia but everyone called her "Mina." It's a family nickname that stuck. Here's my gorgeous Mama at a work function (looks like hard work, eh) in the 80s. Great bod. Chandler takes after her. Not me, I'm a lanky chick.


This is Erin, me, Chris and Jen dancing at Kate and Dave's wedding in 2008.


That's Zoe and Avery - daughters of Chris and Erin. Undoubtedly the two most gorgeous little girls on planet earth.

Anyways, that's just part of my huge family. My father comes from a big family (the Major clan)and when my mom remarried we were welcomed into yet an even bigger family of Fitzpatricks. If you've lost track, here's where I'm from: Mom (Patty Lewis) and Dad (Shane Major). They had ME (Crystal) and divorced. My mom remarried Phil Fitzpatrick - when I write about my dad, that's who I'm referring to - and together they had Devin and Chandler Fitzpatrick. I have another sister, Jenna Major, born to Shane and her mom, Roslyn. I love those two gals soooo much! I love Shane too, but our relationships has had its hardships. That's another post for another day though :)


This is Kate and my Unle Paul.



That's my sweet sweet Nanny with Jen at her engagement party in 2009. I still miss her every single day.


That's a lot to take in on a Saturday, but I feel so blessed to be surrounded by a huge, loving family that I just had to share.


This is a snapshot of all my first cousins and I at Jen and Stefan's wedding last June.


Me and my Aunt Sharon. I love her so much it makes my heart feel too big for my body.

This Old Song Makes Me Happy

"Lord knows there are things we can do baby..."

Back then he was John Cougar Mellencamp and I was a little girl singing the lyrics from the backseat of my mom's baby blue Buick Skyhawk. It was the 80s. My mom had big hair and everybody looked like they were from Jersey. Hairspray, eyeliner and shoulder pads were everywhere. I had bangs, crimped hair and Smurfette high top sneakers. I was singing "Hurts So Good" back then with no idea what the song was about. Today, I still sing every word when it comes on the radio or queues up on a playlist at a wedding. It's just one of those fantastic songs that fills me with memories.



Photo cred: usedcheapcars.org

"Sometimes love don't feel like it should."

We were all at a family party years ago and there is video footage of my mom, aunts, cousin and I all dancing to this killer track. Yes, even grown-ups have dance parties. It was such a fun time.

This past June Johnny's song flooded the speakers at Jen's wedding and the two of us shouted out every word with such conviction.

"Hey baby it's you. Come on girl now it's you."

It's been a while since I've blogged. I've been out in the city, enjoying the long weekend in Canada and catching up on the rays - it's patio season - but when this song came on satellite radio today I knew I had my "favourite things" post.

What's your favourite song? What song can ALWAYS get you on the dance floor? What song should play over the credits of your lifetime movie?

This Sunny Monday

Ahhhhh, do you feel that? It's sunshine. I know you might not recognize it since it's been ages since we've felt true warmth on our skin. Toronto finally has some spring weather and EVERYBODY was out this weekend. Gigi spent her mornings sunning herself on the balcony while I puttered around. Jo stopped over Saturday morning and we had lattes and watched Bethenny Ever After... I was still in my nightie when Jojo surprised me with a visit. It's okay though, we were roomies in university and danced together for years and years so she's seen me in less clothing.

After Jo took off for the Jays game, Gigi and I got ready for an afternoon on Queen West. Such a good fur baby - she took her mama shopping! Here's the confession part: I should not be shopping right now and it really has been ages since I bought new shoes, but I caved this weekend. Twice. So, happy mother's day to me!!! Thanks for the great heels Gigi - you really spoil me.

Saturday night Rach came over and I made quesadillas while we watched Happy Endings. This is my new favourite show. I PVR each episode and if I had to pick a group of tv people to live with, it would be this gang. Also, their Chicago condos are massive compared to my teensy Toronto dwelling so hanging out with them would be a nice change. Penny, if you're reading this, let's be best friends.

Rach and I met Jo and Tim (Jojo's beau) on King for a live art installation. I should have taken pictures but I was surrounded by real photographers and artsy people so I felt like a tool. But, if I HAD taken pictures, I'd include them below:

Yesterday was a lazy day. I did some volunteering judging for The Learning Partnership. I read through submissions of student run ventures, most of which donated their proceeds to charity. Then Gigi and I spent some time outside. She's not really in to the dog park. We go and I'm always hoping she'll run around and make friends, but she's usually sniffing trees by herself or sitting beside me. We did meet two adorable mini poodles and I was hoping she'd form a bond, but after a few minutes of spastic chasing games, she was over it. We left. Watched some more PVR and then I read a magazine in bed before passing out.

Mother's Day doesn't really make me sad anymore, but I was missing my mom all day long. That's every day of my life though, so yesterday wasn't much different. I thought about what I would have been doing if she were still alive and figured we'd be at the garden centre. Although I get my love of gardening from her, I didn't get her skill. Most of my flowers die or the dogs eat them :)

I hope you all spoiled your mamas yesterday. Some of my cousins checked in on me and it was wonderful to know I wasn't the only person thinking about my mom yesterday - they miss their Aunt Patty too. Love you guys xoxo

This Mama Happy Place

It's Friday. The weekend is here and so is my happy place post. This one is a bit different though. This weekend is Mother's Day. It's always tough for me. I miss my mom everyone second of every day and knowing that people are celebrating with their moms every year makes me sad. Today though, I'm imagining how wonderful it will be when I finally get to see her again. That is my happy place...even if it's years in the future. She shows up in my dreams a lot now, but that took years. When she meets me in dreamland, I always know that she's passed away and by the end I'm sobbing and telling her how much I know I'm going to miss her.

I wrote a post a couple of years ago on the eve of the 12th anniversary of her passing. This summer will be 14 entire years I've spent without my mom. Almost half my life. It doesn't seem possible. So, if you have one of those mothers or mothers-in-law that drive you absolutely insane, think about living my life for just a day and how you would feel without your mother. http://majorgal.blogspot.com/2009/07/this-anniversary.html

This is What Christmas is All About Charlie Brown

Are those not the sweetest words you've ever heard uttered by a cartoon character? I watched A Charlie Brown Christmas tonight for the first time this season. Usually I watch it when it airs on one of the big TV networks, but I was at a work function the night it was on, so tonight it was just me and my DVD.

I really love this movie, for reasons my closest friends and family know. It reminds me of my mama. Thinking of her as a little girl watching it just makes me all warm inside. She loved the movie and, like I've written before, my family and I buy pretty much all the Charlie Brown stuff we can find over the holidays. It's a small way of keeping her with us. The soundtrack is one of my favourites. Those jazzy beats and the super-cool vibe make me wanna dance and I often do whether I'm in my car, in my condo or answering my phone - one of the songs is my ring tone. It just makes me really happy and I imagine my mom dancing around with me. Before I get myself too depressed over all this, I want to share a picture of my favourite Charlie Brown Christmas decoration. I snapped the picture tonight especially for this post. Whatever the holidays bring you, spread happiness and find your inner Snoopy. That little guy was so freggin' happy all the time. We could all use a little Snoopy in our lives. xoxo

This Devestating Ending

I finished the book, My Sister's Keeper last night. I had heard for ages that by the end I'd be bawling my eyes out. My cousin Karen described it as the ugly cry. Big wet tears streaking your makeup and making your eyes red. I didn't cry at all, but the ending ripped my heart out.

It hit a little too close to home for me. The final chapter is written by the lead character's sister and she talks about how, after losing someone we start thinking of our lives with that eternal void. I can totally relate. She spoke about watching a funny show on television and then feeling guilty for laughing. I remember that feeling. She spoke about waking up and instantly knowing what was missing from your life. I live that each day.

This stuff doesn't make me unhappy and by no means do I live a depressed and gloomy life, but I am acutely aware of how things are different for my family and I because my mom isn't here. She hasn't been here for years, yet she's still a part of everything. We're no longer too raw to speak her name or recall how much she would have loved something. We're not scared to remember the good times anymore, but that took time.

My aunt told me years ago that for the first year after my mom died, my Nanny, Aunt Sharon, Aunt Dolly and Aunt Betty cried each day over the loss of their baby sister and daughter. I don't cry every day and neither do they anymore, but those tears can still find me out of nowhere.

Perhaps what I liked most about the last passages of the book was knowing that what I've been feeling for ages happens to people who've suffered a loss. I've never felt alone in my feelings, but sometimes finding the words to describe what I feel can be tough. Last night, I read some words on a page and felt my heart sigh a little...finally.

This Holiday Kick-off!

Yes people, the time has arrived. Hallowe'en is over. There was a chill in the air this weekend and we had some flurries. What does this mean to me? CHRISTMAS!!! I'm all about this holiday. It's my favourite. Starbucks changes to their holiday cups and sleeves. Pretty, sparkling lights go up. People are merry. I buy presents. Christmas carols play in my car, house, on my computer, on my phone (hi there Mariah Carey ringtone). I'm just so happy! It may be Monday and maybe you're not as in to Christmas as I am, but think about how lovely it is and find your happy this holiday.

This Discovery

I had an epiphany earlier this week. I was holding some stuff in for a while and then felt I needed to get it all out Monday night. I'm not usually one to hang on to feelings about things, but I do pick my battles. I don't lash out and yell all the time, but I also try not to bottle things up. Apparently, I had sealed this issue right up and it was causing me more problems than I realized.

I was upset, so bf and I hased it all out and I realized that what was really bothering me was the feeling that I didn't have anyone to take care of me. Ryan was shocked and it makes sense. I'm always looking after people. My friends, my sisters, my Dad, my dogs, coworkers. I never say "no" and I often take on more than I should be handling. I get it all done and I rarely ask for help. I'm not turning down help because I'm stubborn, but I do try and handle everything myself. I guess it's the product of being the oldest child, the only child of divorced parents and the child of a deceased mother and absentee biological father. My step dad is fantastic and he's the man I consider my father, but I still have to care for him sometimes.

In looking after everyone else, I neglected to examine why I was doing that. This week it hit me: I'm looking after people because what I really want is for someone to look after me. Ryan was astounded when I said that and so was I. It was the first time I had uttered those words aloud and let myself be vulnerable. I wanted a caregiver. I've been missing my mother for what feels like my entire life. I don't resent having grown up fast. It's made me who I am and I'm proud of that. Would I like to turn to my mom sometimes and ask for help? Of course. In losing her, I just figured I needed to take things on myself, so I stopped asking people to take care of me.

Ryan is a huge part of my life and in realizing that I want to spend forever with him, I also realized that deep down I was hoping he would swoop in and take care of me. He had no idea because I had never told him. I had never told him because I just figured it out on Monday night. I just figured it out on Monday night because I was struggling with my feelings. I was struggling with my feelings because I had locked them in for ages and tried to move on. Don't do this to yourself folks. Don't be a hero. If you need to cry, cry. If you want to scream, yell until your voice is hoarse. If you need help, ask for it. Chances are the people around don't read minds and will help if you just ask.

Happy weekend lovelies.

This Stuff You Might Not Know

Last year I did one of those chain thingeys on Facebook. Thinking back, I realize that the reason I liked writing it so much was because I was able to share things about myself that I don't normally talk about. It was cathartic and a few months later, I started blogging. I guess this is where it all began...

25 Random Things
Tuesday, February 24, 2009 at 10:32am.
The rules: You're supposed to write 25 random things about yourself and then tag people in your note. If you tag someone it means you want to learn more about them. I think that's pretty much it. I forgot to cut and paste the instructions onto my note, so forgive me if I've missed something.

1. I really wanted to write one of these notes because I love doing quizzes and answering questions about myself. If that's vanity - fine - I prefer to think of it as self exploration. I had to get my little sisters to show me how to write a note on FB though which tells me I'm getting old!

2. I really hate that I started biting my nails again. I stopped right after I turned 20 because I was in a car accident and my bruised face hurt too much to chew. I didn't start biting them again until this summer and I'm disgusted with myself for it.

3. I heard on the Today show last month that there is actually a medical definition for a shopping addiction. I don't pretend to be a shopaholic, I fully am one and it's not something I think will make me cool. I buy stuff and spend money like it's nobody's business. It would blow your mind if you saw me tear through a store. Sometimes after I go shopping I actually feel ill because I wasn't able to exercise any restraint. On the brighter side, I can ALWAYS convince my besties that they "need" to buy that dress or those killer heels. It's a gift :)

4. I think it's weird hearing kids say how hard it was for them when their parents split up. Mine got divorced when I was 6 and I've NEVER thought it was my fault or that they made a bad decision. I always remember thinking my parents had a toxic relationship and I wanted my Dad out of the house so I could have my mom all to myself.

5. My mom died when I was 15. In the almost 12 years since she passed away, there hasn't been one day when I haven't thought about her, missed her and wished she were here. She was 37 when she died of cancer and for some reason I live my life thinking it's all going to be over at 37. In other words, I count backwards from 37 to determine how much time I have to get things accomplished. If I leave this world at the hands of a cruel disease when I'm 37, I can only hope that I'm half the mother she was.

6. I love books. I spend hours in Chapters and about 90% of the time I buy a book based on the cover. I know you're not supposed to do that, but some of the most incredible stories I've read have been because the cover caught my eye and the sleeve captured my attention. Summer Sisters by Judy Blume, It's Called a Break-up Because it's Broken, Lipstick Jungle, Bergdorf Blondes and Chasing Harry Winston are only a few of the books I've fallen in love with just because the cover was cute and/or I liked the title. You should always take a chance on a book. Even if it's not great, you're still spending time exercising your brain while you read it waiting for the good parts.

7. During the height of her fame (pre-Federline, pre-meltdown, pre-crazy Southern gal), I was convinced that if I met Britney Spears, she would be my friend. I'm pulling for that girl all the way and even when she shaved her head and I thought she was totally effed up, I still wanted her to bounce back. I'll be seeing her in concert for the third time next month. Yes, I love her and her music. Say what you will about me. I also love Foo Fighters, The Ink Spots, Patsy Cline and The Airborne Toxic Event. My musical tastes vary and I make no apologies for what I like. So spare me the "Britney doesn't even sing...blah, blah." That girl can shake her ass and sell a record, so just shut up already.

8. I love Starbucks and I love coffee. I love that my drink of choice costs me over five bucks a day and that even when I'm broke and could get a coffee from home, walking into my favourite coffee place totally makes me happy. I spend $5.20 on a venti, lactose-free latte at least once a day and I'll never be a Tim Hortons drinker. If I have to drink Tims, I'll feel like I'm slumming it. The first coffee I had and loved was from the McDonalds drive-thru the morning my mom died. I've been a devoted follower of the java since then.

9. I am best friends with my ex. He's the first person I go to when I'm freaking out, need advice, need cheering up or just wanna talk. People think it's weird that we can be so close, but it makes perfect sense to us. We needed to end our romantic relationship to reap the benefits of being friends. We get along so much better now. You probably think I'm lying and that I'm still in love with him - you're wrong. I still love him, but now he's like a brother or cousin or uncle. I trust him completely and it's been years since we broke up.

10. I have three dogs and I adore them, but they're nuts. Trying to walk them takes all my energy and every time the doorbell rings it's mayhem at my house. These three mutts are outta control, but they're a part of my family. When it's time for me to get married and live with my new husband, the option of whether or not I'm bring Gigi with me isn't an option. If a guy can't accept my dog, then he doesn't love everything about me.

11. Last month I cut all my hair off and I regret it. I love the style, but miss my long hair :( My cousin told me I have to grow it out for her wedding. I wish I could go back a few months and dye my hair a different colour instead of chopping it off gradually because I was bored. It will grow back, I'm just impatient.

12. I would throw myself in front of a speeding train if it meant saving my family. I react without thinking. When I see a car accident, a stray dog or a child who looks like they're lost, I step in before I even realize what I'm doing. I just do and worry about the details later. If someone said to me, "You can save your sisters if you jump off this cliff" I wouldn't hesitate. Life without them wouldn't be worth living anyways.

13. My cousin Jen knows me better than anyone else. She knows when I'm keeping something from her, when I'm upset about something, when I'm angry and when I'm thrilled. We're only four months apart and we've grown up as best friends/cousins/sisters. We used to give each other beatings like you wouldn't believe. She would bite me and I would pull her hair. She always cried first and then I'd feel bad and try to smooth it over before she told on me. If we got into a scrap today, she'd kick my ass. Next summer she's getting married and I'm her maid of honour.

14. I don't regret the failures in life. I'd rather try something and fail miserably then sit back thinking I'd screw it up if I tried. I have no shame about that stuff. I don't ever want to look back on my life and think, "I wonder what would have happened IF..."

15. I want to live on the beach at some point in my life. I'm a water sign and nothing soothes me more than the sound of waves lapping against the shore. Walking along a sandy beach make me so happy. I feel more alive when I'm near water and I take a bath almost every day. Even if I only spend ten minutes in the tub, I still feel better than when I got in.

16. I'm a hopeless romantic. I want the whole deal and nothing less. I want fireworks, butterflies, laughter, passion, friendship, love, chemistry and lots more. I love getting flowers. I love receiving cards. I adore a kiss on the forehead, a squeeze of my hand, a hug so tight it takes my breath away and the kind of kiss that makes you smile afterwards just thinking about it.

17. When I was a little girl, I loved the song "Puttin' on the Ritz." I still do and I haven't heard it in years. I wanted to do a tap dance to the song when I was 5.

18. I believe in ghosts and I'm terrified of them.

19. I always wanted to surf and on my first day, I bailed huge and gave up. It was pathetic, but when that board hit me in the face it HURT! I will try again though. Perhaps in more calm waters, with an instructor and a helmet :)

20. I love gardening. During the summer, I wake up and can't wait to get outside and water my plants and flowers. I don't know much about proper gardening, I just buy what I like and hope I can keep it alive. Dark, rich soil and lush grass are so gorgeous. I have a bag of gardening tools and my gloves are tan leather with fuchsia accents. They're great.

21. I often know when things will happen before they actually do. I'm not psychic, I just get feelings about stuff. It's usually nothing big. I can sometimes tell when somebody will call me or what a friend is going to tell me. I knew my grandmother had died before my aunt told me. I knew right away that I was going to break somebody's heart. I knew my mother was dying of cancer before the doctors told us.

22. The first movie I ever owned was a VHS copy of Cinderella. My cousins Dawn and Laura and their parents gave it to me for Christmas. I felt so grown up having my own movie. I still have it.

23. My first Cabbage Patch doll is named Patch. She has brown yarn pigtails, a yellow dress with a duck on it, hot pink Crayola lipstick I drew on her and the thread sewn to her foot to make toes is missing. She is in my basement packed away and sometimes when I'm down there looking for something, I still pick her up and hug her. When I got blood work done before I had my tonsils out when I was six, I squeezed Patch so hard that her plastic head hurt my cheek. My Aunt Dolly told me last year that her name wasn't actually Patch and that I just wanted to call her that. I really want to know what her name was supposed to be.

24. I still know every word to Clueless, Dumb and Dumber, When Harry Met Sally and Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead.

25. Every December, when Charlie Brown's Christmas is aired for the first time that season, I watch it and cry almost immediately. My mom loved Charlie Brown and I think of her and sob because I miss her so much when I watch it. My sisters, Dad and I try to buy all the Charlie Brown decorations we can find because we think she would have done that. Seeing the skating rink, those fluffy snowflakes and hearing the start of that song goes makes me fall apart.

This Thankful Stuff

Well my sweets, another Thanksgiving has come and gone for us Canadians. This was the first year my Dad and I made the ham my mom used to make. Well, let me clarify. I asked my Dad to make it, he did and then I made a split pea and ham soup from the leftovers. I'm happy to say that Mama would be proud! The ham was delicious and when my Dad was in Aurora cooking, I was at my condo downtown shedding a few happy tears thinking about my Mom.

I came home from a little jaunt out with Gigi Saturday afternoon and found the movie, Dutch on the telly. I don't remember watching this movie very much, but I ALWAYS remember my Mom howling with laughter over one particular line for whatever reason. I often wondered why that memory was so clear, yet I couldn't remember other details of the flick. To my delight (and to further solidify my faith in the universe), my question was answered was I flicked through the channels and found this movie. It didn't take long for me to feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. I was bbm-ing with Jo and I told her how I was a mixture of laughter and tears. When Ed O'Neill looks over at Ethan Randall in the car and quips, "I don't care if you live, die or grow mushrooms in your crack..." I burst into a fit of laughter. That was the line my Mom had laughed at so many years ago. The sound of that laugh has stuck with me for years.

Feeling a bit down, I send bf a bbm and as our conversation progressed, it dawned on me that the feeling I have overall is one of frustration. I know I'm lonely and that I miss my Mom in a way I never thought I could live through, but most of all I'm frustrated that I will live with these feelings until the day we meet again amongst the clouds and angels. I can't make these feelings go away, nor do I want to since burying your feelings is a horrible thing to do. Sometimes, we need a good, healthy cry. A cry interrupted with laughter as you realize that life really is wonderful is such a fantastic thing.

This Planning

I might get ahead of myself sometimes. It's true. For example, as a kid I'd get twenty bucks for doing chores and the money would be spent before I got out the door. I'd "owe" my mom for other stuff before the money was in my hands. Some stuff never changes. I'm not engaged. I'm not planning a wedding, but I do think of how fabulous it will be when I am getting hitched so when I think of things I'd like to include I make a mental note of them. Define "mental" as you please, I meant I write it on my internal notepad and try to remember it. Although, thinking of the flowers you'd want for a wedding that doesn't even exist is a minor stop on the way to crazy town, so maybe it is that other type of mental note. I'm okay with that though. Most girls dream of their weddings, I just prefer a more practical angle and I plan it. Plan it years before it's going to happen...almost regretting this post as I might never hear from Ryan again after this. You know how boys get when marriage comes up.

Anyways, enough Friday afternoon rambling. Today I was on the Rue Magazine website and I listened to their free playlists. It got me thinking about music and how there are some songs I simply MUST have played at my wedding. So, I jotted down the list. With all the weddings I've been to, I notice music. I love music and when a song can move you in time and stir up emotions, it's worth taking note of. Here's the first part of my list
1) Mack the Knife by Bobby Darin (thanks Rue Magazine.)
2) All Night Long and Dancing on the Ceiling by Lionel Richie.
3) Something by Huey Lewis and the News - makes me think of Back to the Future and I worship Michael J Fox.
4) Any Stevie Wonder tune - preferably For Once in My Life.
5)Hall and Oates. This is for my mama, plus they've got killer 80s songs for dancing. Nothing like a swinging step, touch to get the dance floor jumping. Think of I Can't Go for That...great song.
6)Patsy Cline. Another artist I grew up listening to. My kindergarten teacher told my mom in the parent teacher interview I was the only student she'd ever had who sang Patsy Cline songs during playtime. If you're not familiar, do yourself a favour and listen to some of her stuff. She was killed tragically years ago, but was a total inspiration for many female country artists after her.
7)All Shook Up - the Elvis version. No messing around people.
8) Inxs. Depending on the vibe I need it's either Need You Tonight or Never Tear Us Apart.
9)Diana Ross and the Supremes. Mama listened to a lot of Motown and if you can't dance with Diana, who can you dance with?
10) Something by Harry Connick Jr. I love him. Loved him on Will and Grace. Loved him in Hope Floats. Love his Christmas albums. Love him as the only singer on the When Harry Met Sally soundtrack (also my favourite movie).
11) Some Donna Summer. I love disco. On the Radio, Last Dance, anything. In Miami a few years ago I was listening to my Donna Summer playlist on the beach. Rach was beside me and when I mentioned I was listening to Donna Summer she said, "No, I'm listening to Donna Summer" and laughed. Apparently I had the volume up a tad high.

I also think a LOT about the flowers because I adore flowers. I buy them for myself, but it's always better when someone buys them for you. I could walk through gardens and flower shops for hours. I think flowers are so absolutely beautiful and lively and under no circumstance will I skimp on this expense when the time comes to slap down the plastic and pay for some centrepieces. Recently, a post on Design*Sponge displayed some of the most gorgeous floral arrangements I have ever seen. I added the page to my favourites and have emailed myself the pictures. They're just so beautiful!! The artist created a floral tablescape so easy and organic that I often look at the pictures when I need a burst of happy.

So, there it is folks. I'm planning (always a planner) for an event occurring at a yet undetermined date. When it happens though, I'll save myself some stress since I'm already researching.

This Sunday in May

Mother's Day comes every year and every year I feel that void where Mama should be. I don't get to rush out last minute to buy her flowers. I don't get to pick out the perfect card. I can't agonize over picking the perfect gift for my perfect mother. Instead, the sadness trickles in and I wonder how the day would have been with her here.

Sure, this sounds like an echo of my emotions from most holidays but the fact is, if your mother is around today, tell her how much you love her. Call her. Take her out for brunch. Make her dinner. Sit down and chat with her. Do some laundry so she doesn't have to, because really, you don't know how lucky you are to have her.

The last gift I got my mom for Mother's Day was a booklet of herb garden layouts and seeds. She loved gardening and I thought she would enjoy planting rosemary, thyme and marjoram that summer. She didn't live through that summer and I still haven't planted those seeds. I just can't. Not yet anyways. Yes, it's been over a decade since my mom passed away, but we do some strange stuff when we lose a loved one. There are spices in cupboards at my Dad's house that are useless now since they're ancient, but she bought them so I keep them. Each time I look in that cupboard, it's kind of like she's still here. It sounds mental, I know.

My Mom was rad. She was beautiful, funny, smart and crazy enough to have three kids. She never had to discipline me because one look at her face and I knew I had better shape up. She didn't yell, she glared.

Her blue eyes always looked best sparkling with a smile. I can still hear her laugh when I think about me dancing around her to whatever music she was playing. She used to tease me after tap class when I was five, but now I think it's pretty cute. I learned how to find something to laugh about in otherwise shitty situations from her. When things were less than perfect, she never stopped laughing. It's a gift I'm lucky to have.

This Mother's Day my mom has her mom for the first time in years. I wonder how things are going up there in heaven...probably super awesome! I'm sad for me and I'm sad for my aunts and uncles since this is the first time in their lives they've had a Mother's Day without their Mom. I'm an old pro now.

Well, this post didn't have a path and I didn't stress over coherence that much. I just wanted to write a little something about my mama. I've added a photo of my Mom from a work party years ago. She was probably about my age actually. Killer hair Mom - I know, it was the 80s.

This will be Tough, but I will B-Strong

I knew this was coming, but you're still never really prepared for horrible news. Lindsay Bolger, a beautiful, strong, driven, intelligent, courageous, passionate and unfortunately unhealthy young woman passed away last week. Tomorrow morning I will sit in church with no doubt hundreds of other people and say a final goodbye to an incredible young woman. She was taken too soon. As a writer you avoid cliches, but sometimes their meaning is so true, you've got to throw them in there. The good die young. Sucks that cliches originated as honest explanations of events. That means that a LOT of good people had to die young in order for a cliche to be coined. There's another one if you're keeping track. Cliche, that is. Sadly, another young person taken too soon also. I never liked math. People use a lot of cliches when they express condolences also. Weird, eh?

Reading her obituary yesterday was unreal. How could I be staring at such words? How can this be true? The image of Lindsay with a beaming smile and shiny blonde hair filled my monitor and I had to blink. How can that be a picture of some who has passed away? She was only 26. She had everything going for her, except a nasty brain tumor took that away from her and then she was taken away from us all. How do you write your child's obituary? My heart is torn to shreds knowing that the Bolgers had to take pen to paper and think of what they could say that would capture the spirit Lindsay had. It's unnatural to lose a child. It's not supposed to happen that way. My cousin said that when my mom died our nanny started screaming that she had lost her baby. I wasn't there for that terrifying scene, but just thinking about my sweet, gentle, little grandmother wailing like that shakes me to the core. I can't even imagine how Lindsay's parents must be feeling right now. Probably not much - yet. There's a numbness that comes from losing someone so dear and so tragically. It was a blessing for Lindsay to have passed away as peacefully as she did, but it's still an absolute tragedy that it happened in the first place. It takes a while for the reality to set in.

I've been to a lot of funerals. The first one was my mom's. When a young person dies, there is a strong shared sorrow and lack of understanding. "How can He let something like this happen?" people wonder. "This isn't fair." you say to one another, trying to find some comfort. Not that you ever "look forward" to a funeral, but I'm especially dreading this one. I know the church will be packed and the flood of tears that will spill down pale cheeks could run for eternity. It's hard to be amongst that kind of grief, but it's part of life. We share our sorrow in hopes that our burdens will be shared also. I'm hoping to find comfort in knowing that Lindsay is in a better place now. And yet another cliche. Her obituary is truly beautiful and I promise if you read it, you'll be amazed at how wonderful Lindsay was. Do I say 'was' or 'is?' 'Was' seems to final, 'is' makes it seem like she's still here.

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/thestar/obituary.aspx?n=lindsay-bolger&pid=136556247
www.bstrong.ca


The picture I included with this blog is from a wedding last summer. Lindsay was radiant in that dress and she spent the entire night dancing. We had a blast. This is how I will remember her. Recently, I was looking at photos of Lindsay at her brother's wedding and I had that feeling in my gut. She was transformed. She was no longer the strong, athletic Lindsay I knew. She was frail, she was tired and she had a look I recognized from my mother when the end was near. I call it "the cancer look." It scares me to see people look like that and those images really shook me up. I messaged Rach right away to say that when I arrived at her condo I'd need a stiff drink that evening. Later that week Lindsay passed away at home, surrounded by friends and family. Even writing this now brings me to tears. I can't bear to really think about it quite yet. I wasn't nearly as close to Lindsay as so many other people were, but I've always felt really lucky to have met her and spent time with her. I'll carry her in my heart forever and I promise to B-Strong.

This Festive Season

Holy crow, I just LOVE Christmas! I'm listening to Christmas music while I write this and yesterday I spent hours cleaning my house, dragging endless boxes up from the basement and casting my holiday wand over my house to make this place beautifully festive. It makes me really happy to come home to a lit Christmas tree and the smell of cinnamon and cedar. I don't have a real tree, in fact I've never had a real tree in my life. My mom was allergic and I'm not entirely sure how cool I am with cutting down trees and then throwing them out with the trash a month later. Seems wasteful, ya know?

This year I bought a pink tree for my bedroom. I'm all about the themes. I decorated this tree with all muted greens and whites. The small tree in my upstairs hallways is a sparkling blue and silver masterpiece. The main floor tree is covered in burgundy, forest green and gold. That's my mom's tree. I bought some new ornaments for it last year, but I keep that one decorated in her favourite holiday colours. I still string her cranberry garland around the tree and feel like she's still here if I'm still decorating the tree her way. In the basement is the big tree and it's covered in the kid decorations and all the ornaments we've accumulated over the last 30 years. Lots of ornaments my Nanny made are on there, along with a mish-mash of colourful, vibrant and whimsical decorations that remind me of all the Christmases I've had and I feel blessed. The funny part about this tree is that since Christmas 2007 it has been fully decorated and set up in my basement. The deal was I would put up all the Christmas stuff and my Dad and sisters would take it all down. Eventually I got tired of waiting and cleared out all the stuff on the main floor and upstairs. I've got to give them credit because when they don't want to do something, they're not giving in. That tree is still sitting there and it's starting to lean a bit. One of Chandler's friends loves coming over at any point in the year and seeing that tree in the basement. It makes him happy! It makes me nostalgic, but ya I'd sort of like it to be taken down this January, but I'm not counting on it.

The first ornament I picked out is still on the basement tree each year. My mom said I was still so young that I was in a stroller and I reached out to a small treasure of glass balloons. They clip onto the tree and are held up with a strong wire so they look like they're floating. I smile just thinking about them. When I move out and start filling my own house with Christmas trees, those are coming with me. My mom said that each year we bulked up our Christmas ornaments and I could pick a new one each year. The balloons were my first.

My sister Chelsea got a dark purple tree this year and used all golds and rusts to decorate it. The tree's a beauty and very Chels. I found a stellar website for all those folks who really get into Christmas trees and I'm fighting the urge to buy a 6 foot pink tree. Maybe it's not very holiday-ish, but I'm a single woman and the window for having things completely my way is closing. One day I'm gonna have a manly husband who will probably not be thrilled with a pink tree and so I've got to take advantage of this girly time. Even as I write this, I keep glancing over at my mini pink tree and shoot, I'm just so happy to see it!

When I was living with Dushi we had a four foot tree and used all reds, whites and silvers to decorate it. I loved that tree and would come home from school, immediately turn the tree lights on and just stare at it. It glowed somehow and I still think about it.

We only get Christmas once a year and that's why I treasure it so much. The movies are fantastic, the music is uplifting, the smells are warming and the sights are magical. The entire season is a gift for me.

This Cuppa Cheer

For me, it's really the simple things in life. The smallest thing can turn my entire day around and I consider myself really lucky to see the world this way. This doesn't mean I don't adore HUGE gestures of the insanely rich kind as well. Shoot, if you wanna bestow upon me a swank downtown condo with a view, that'd make me super happy too, but the sight of the Christmas cups at Starbucks is my personal thrill for today.

The start of the holidays is bitter-sweet for me because I'm always wondering how it would feel if my mom were still here. Christmas was IT for my mom and she made each season incredible no matter how broke we were. My favourite memories as a kid are the ones that only made sense later on, when I was "let in" on the Santa secret. One year, Santa left me a note on the new kitchen set he had left me. I was stoked that the big elf had left ME a personally written note on my kitchen chalkboard. Now I wonder how I didn't recognize my mom's handwriting... Another year my mom helped me set out a snack for Santa before I went off to bed. I wanted to leave him milk (my mom wasn't a fan), but my mom thought Santa would prefer an icy class of Coca-Cola. If you knew my mom, you know that she loved a refreshing glass of coke. When she helped me pick out the sweets to leave Santa, she suggested that I save the cookies for myself and leave Santa some of the festive delights my Nanny had made for us. Coincidentally, my mom's faves. Good job Mama ;)

I miss my mom every single minute of every single day and I don't think that will ever change. Time doesn't lessen my sorrow, but the warmth I feel knowing my mom hasn't really left helps. I dream about her almost every night. For years, she was seldom a part of my dreams and in each of them I always knew she'd have to leave again. I cried through most of those ones. Now, it's like she's still here. I share parts of my day with her, talk to her about the people in my life, ask her about the boy, and there aren't nearly as many tears.

My dad spares no expense if he sees something he knows my mom would have loved. Charlie Brown was Mr. Christmas for my mom, so my dad buys up every ornament he can find with The Peanuts theme. We blast the soundtrack and watching my dad do his piano player impression with enthusiasm sort of lets me forget that mom isn't here.

The first time I watch A Charlie Brown Christmas each season, I cry because it was my mom's favourite and because I really wish I could still watch it with her. That movie reminds me of a simpler time when I wasn't consumed with career choices, bills, juggling a hectic schedule and trying to be a daughter, sister, pseudo-mom, friend, employee, romantic partner, cousin, granddaughter and more to all the important people in my life. As I grow and mature, I'm learning how to be Crystal and who she is to the people around her. Some of it may be tough, but with each day and the challenges it might bring I still find the happy stuff hidden and I always have a smile.

This Time

Right so I'm not even entirely sure what I want to write about this evening. Sometimes that urge just overcomes me and I've spent days writing parts of this blog in my head but just haven't had an actual topic or time to sit down and write the effing thing. So here goes. What is really pulling me to this entry is a friend of mine. Her blog is super fantastic like a surprise latte from a coworker or flowers from someone you love. She's like too cool for me to handle and when I read her stuff I feel lame in comparison, but she's just so rad. I think the one thing that really brings us together is the one thing we've both lost - our mothers.

Hers passed away from cancer five years ago and mine floated off to heaven over 12 years ago now. Still doesn't make sense and sometimes I find myself having these surreal moments thinking about how my mom isn't actually HERE. But that's slightly off topic - shit, did I pick a topic? Yes, Claudia. My gorgeous, university writing program, original, honest, hilarious, motherless, cancer surviving buddy. Yes, cancer surviving. She's 26 and she's fighting breast cancer. I say survivor because there is no other option. I'm not being an ostriche here, I'm just refusing to let the universe think I imagine another ending to this story.

Claudia and I met at school sometime during our undergrad. We just sort of started talking one day and then quickly realized we shared some heavy shit. This isn't a club you want to be a member of and if one of us hadn't been partially orphaned, I'm not sure we would have forged a friendship. The common thread between us totally sucks, but there is an understanding shared that can only be understood by those who have also lost their mother at a young age.

In the last month or so, I've heard three pieces of horribly unfair and stunning news. I was to lsoe one friend. One would join the fight against cancer and another was already lost - murdered actually. None of this shit is fair, but this is life and there must be a lesson, right? Apparently I'm not as smart as my dad tells me because I can NOT find the reason for any of this heartache. If my head wasn't screwed on, it would honestly be spinning across my bedroom floor right now because I still can't fully comprehend the stuff I hear these days. A 25 year old woman dying at the hands of a brain tumor. A 26 year old woman being diagnosed with breast cancer. A 27 year old gay man being beaten to death and then run over in the city of Toronto. WTF?

Ya, totally got off topic there which I knew was bound to happen since I didn't start this with a clear ending in mind. I just had stuff I wanted to say and for me, having fingers scoot across a keyboard and hearing the thump of each key helps me sort out my thoughts. Some people think while they're running. Some people think in the car. I think with my hands on the keyboard and right now I'm thinking I just want the people in my heart to be safe, happy and healthy. Too bad it's such a huge thing to wish for.

Bitter blog girl will be signing off now. Hopefully next time I'll be back with some awesomely fabulous news about puppies and sunshine and milkshakes. Deal?

This Big Sister Thing

I have three younger sisters, all of whom I adore for different reasons. Just so nobody gets jealous, I'm writing about the baby today but I'll include posts about Jenna and Chels in my blog as well. There we go, that's my disclaimer - basically meant for Jenna and Chelsea so we can avoid a jealousy fit.

Chandler Victoria is my baby sister. It doesn't matter that she's 16 now and has more wisdom than lots of people much older than her, she will always be my baby sister. Chan and I are ten years apart, but we talk to each other like there's no age gap. I go to her for advice constantly. She knows exactly how to speak to me when I'm upset and has such a genuine gentleness about her. She is really extraordinary and I always knew she was.

Even as an infant, this kid was just aware of stuff. She would gaze at my mother with knowing eyes and it always seemed clear that she was special. Not short school bus special, but Disney princess special. Okay, maybe the Disney reference was lame and not a stellar example of who Chandler is. That's part of her magic though. You have to be around this girl to truly appreciate the magnitude of her gifts. She's a wonderful person and is destined for big things in life. I expect her to be either a teacher or some type of healer. Perhaps a doctor, spiritual healer, naturopath or social worker. Regardless of the path she chooses, her spirit will spread its roots and touch all those who need it.

I may have lost some of you already and I get that. Chandler is very intuitive and when I realized this recently, it made perfect sense. Ask anyone whose heard me describe my sister and they'll agree that the words "special," "gifted," "truly individual" and "pretty much the coolest chick ever" are part of my arsenal when bragging about her. This young woman has had her share of shitty stuff in her life, but is coming through with a renewed spirit and zest for life that makes me realize anything is possible.

Lately, Chandler is my life coach and happiness guru. I ask her questions about my life all the time and she always knows the answers. Last month she made a time capsule and included her prediction for who I would marry and how the relationship would unfold. It's the little things like this that show me the tremendous amount of hope and love she has for everyone. Hope is not always an easily found commodity, especially for those who have overcome turmoil and tragedy in their lives. I'd have to say though, hope is something my family has in truckloads. Chandler was four years old when our mother died and although she's had some struggles, she remains one of the loveliest people I know.

When my mom was sick, I came home from a party one night, turned down my covers and found my tiny baby sister snuggled in a ball in my bed. Her blonde hair covered her face and she was clothed in only a diaper. She was just a toddler at the time. I got into bed beside her and watched her sleep, knowing that one day soon she would be without a mother. My heart broke for the first time in my life.

The next morning I told my mother who I had found in my bed. Mom looked at me with a softness in her eyes and adjusted the silk scarf on her head and said, "She was in your bed because she knows you're going to take care of her Crys. She's getting ready for when I'm gone." I have never forgotten this moment. There are bigger things in life and powers that shape our lives when we need them most. Somehow my baby sister knew at only three years old that she would grow up without a mother and would depend on me - only 14 at the time - to raise her as our mother would have. My mom and I had a silent agreement that morning and it's a promise I will keep for eternity. In this life and forever, I will try to show my sisters who our mom was and raise them with the dignity and strength I know she had. Being a big sister is perhaps the most important job I'll ever have and nothing makes me happier.

This Anniversary

I'm at my desk right now thinking about where I was on this day 12 years ago. I was in denial, that much I know for sure, but otherwise the details are fuzzy. July 1st, 1997 was the last Canada Day I've celebrated while my mom was alive. She died of cancer the next morning. So, when I see fireworks in celebration of our wonderful country's birth, I remember how angry I was at 15 on Canada Day.

No longer able to speak, with a glaze over her eyes and spastic movements that I'll never forget, I walked into my mom's hospital room on July 1st and saw her alive for the last time. Creeping into the crowded room - my mom was the youngest of six siblings -I reached her hospital bed in the palliative care unit and she reached out her skinny arms to me. She wasn't able to look at me because she no longer had control over her eyes or voice, but she knew I was there and I will never forget how small her hands looked as they clutched my arm.

Moving closer to my gorgeous mother, I told her not to go anywhere without me. "I know it's getting really hard now Mom, but don't leave without me. When it's time, I want to be here." Without saying anything, she pulled me closer and one of my aunts said, "See Crys? She knows you're here." Thinking of that night still tears me apart. She was no longer my strong, funny, beautiful mom. She was a shell of the vibrant 37 year old mother of three she had been less than a year earlier. Her thick hair was gone. Her blue eyes gazed into the middle of the room without focusing on anything. Her once shapely body had melted away and she looked like a little girl in her hospital bed. It broke my heart and I don't think that pain will ever go away.

I spent that night on the couch in the waiting room. When I woke up the next morning, I went back into my mom's room and told her that if she was ready, I had to know because I had to be there. My dad drove me home at 6am. Took me to McDonald's on the way and I ordered my first coffee. It's funny the things you remember. I still love McDonald's coffee actually. After dropping me off at home, my dad went back to the hospital. Two hours later, I woke up to see my Aunt Sharon, Aunt Linda and Dad standing at the door of my bedroom. I knew.

FUCK! Why didn't anyone come get me? I was so pissed. My Aunt Sharon walked over to me and bent down to wrap her arms around me. "She's gone baby." I didn't cry. I said okay and got out of bed. I picked up the phone when my family had left the room and called my best friend. "Hi, is Meaghan there?" I whispered to her older brother, Ryan when he answered the phone at 9am. I had woken him up. He knew it was me and he knew why I was calling.

Meaghan spent the next few days by my side. She rode in the limo to the church for my mom's funeral Saturday morning with my family. She cried before I did. It took me over two days to release a single tear. I couldn't believe it had happened. Sometimes I still don't believe it has happened. How can I be living without my mother? It will never make sense to me. I will never understand why she died so young. Why after a terrible divorce from my father, she couldn't have been given an easier path. Instead, she got small cell lung cancer which had spread to her liver and brain and had to leave me and my two little sisters to grow up without her.

The radiation was pointless. The chemo was torture and from October 1996 to July 1997I desperately hoped her fate wasn't destined to be what I hated to admit it was. My wonderful, beautiful, smart, hard-working and accomplished mother was not supposed to die of cancer. Cancer was for other people. Older people. Bad people. Not her.

Tomorrow will be the 12 year anniversary of my mom's passing. When she died I thought, "one day she'll have been gone for ten years, but that can never happen because I can't live without her for that long. That day can never come." Ten years have come and gone and now it's been 12 years. Twelve entire years without my mother. Twelve years of growing, changes, new music, new adventures, broken hearts, lonely Christmases, grades completed and 12 years of wishing it had all gone differently. I'd give anything to have my mom back. I know it's a cliche, but it's the truth.

I don't think I'll ever stop wondering how my life would be if she were still here. Lately, I've wondered what she would say about the boy, what she would think about my career, what she would have done when our basement flooded last night, how she would have handled my little sister's struggles and how I would be different if she were still alive. I won't have the answers until we meet again someday and I'm okay with that now. It took me a long time to realize that the loneliness I feel where my mother is missing can find me in the biggest crowds. This loneliness doesn't paralyze me because I'm alone, but because she's the one person I really wish was still here. That will never change for me, but I am strong enough to wait for that day because it will come and when it does, it will be like not a second has passed. We'll catch up right where we left off because she'll will have been watching my life unfold down here while she enjoys a better life amongst the angels and clouds.

You never stop missing your mom. The violet cancer awareness ribbon tattoo on my right hip is a reminder of her fight. Patricia Evelyn Lewis Fitzpatrick March 19, 1960- July 2, 1997. Forever and ever Mama. <3