This Is Actually Happening?

My girlfriend messaged me Friday night while I was in a cab coming back from NOT seeing Girl Talk - turns out we should have bought tickets ahead of time. Anyways, as I was sweltering in the back of a taxi flying across Queen Street my phone lit up with the message "he broke up with me." This news was coming out. of. the. blue.

The relationship was fairly new, but there were no signs of problems. It got me thinking, what makes a guy bail on a really great girl suddenly? A couple of hours later as Tina and I sat at The Cadillac Lounge discussing careers, relationships and how much food we mistakenly ordered she asked me what happened with the last bf. I told her that we were headed in different directions - the usual blah, blah, it didn't work stuff. I told her how excited I am to tackle the world on my own and she said, "You know you aren't going to be single forever, right?" Sure, in theory I know this and I don't honestly think I'm destined to live alone with my dogs, but I'm planning on life in the foreseeable future as a single woman. It seems regardless of the guys I've dated, some of whom I thought were potential forever men, I've yet to be in that relationship where everything and I mean everything falls in to place. So why is that?

My newly single gal pal is successful, beautiful, funny and brings a lot to a relationship - so why did buddy bail on her? Could it be that guys are threatened of successful, capable and confident women? I've been told that's my problem. I scare them off and to that I say "good!" I don't want some wussy guy who's threatened by my career and my opinions and my ability to be on my own and be blissfully happy. Man up guys.


VIA

Later on in the evening, Tina and I were joined by her bf and some friends I hadn't seen in ages. The question came up, "So, where's the boy?" Fearing I'd burst into tears or something, Tina gave her bf the look. "We broke up. Months ago." I told them. Feeling they'd blundered they told me to look on the bright side. I'm not sad about it. I was, of course but now I'm so happy with myself and I know things ended because they needed to. Then the topic of some other people I've dated came up and this is what I find so amusing...

"You dated him after so and so?" I was asked in disbelief Friday night. All I can say is, I must have been temporarily insane when I made some of the dating choices in my history. Some were complete gentleman, total douchebags, at a different point in their lives, living in a different country or only looking for one thing. I'm okay with all of that. It's my dating history and it's brought me to exactly where I am today: single and not willing to settle.

Did I think I'd be one of the last people in my circle of friends to be serious with a guy and have babies and all that? Nope, but now that I am I'm more than okay with it. Plus, going out as a single lady is so much more fun :) Do you ever wonder why you're not meeting the right person? Do you get the whole, "how are you single?" question? Well eff me, if I knew why I was still single, maybe I wouldn't be. My only guess is none of the dudes that have come in to my life were meant to stay romantically forever and the guy who is meant to stay just hasn't shown up or we haven't realized we're destined for each other yet. I'm happy with that. I want a real man so he has some growing up to do before I'm ready to do all that happily ever after stuff.

Tuesdays I Blog About Relationships

Well, it's certainly been a while since I've said "hello!" Work is nutty, this weekend was full of action and I'm happy to say involved a lot of cleaning. Spiritual, emotional and condo cleaning. Spring is in the air so I swept up the cobwebs and turned my cheeks to the sun. It's just so good for the soul, you know? So, I have some advice that I just needed to share. I was chatting with a friend, a former co-worker actually and he said to me "Stop making goals. Ignore every man you see until you see someone you can't ignore." It's true that we're supposed to find love when we're not looking for it, so I think there's some wisdom in this. If this is helpful for any of my faithful readers out there, excellent. If not, keep it in mind. One day it might be exactly the advice you need.

This Infectious Happiness

Friday afternoon, while I sat at my desk my berry's magic red light started flashing. I had a message from Jo, a close girlfriend of mine, whom I've known for years. She had just found about that she got a job she had recently interviewed for and she was PUMPED. I mean happy like puppies and rainbows and free designer shoes, finding twenty bucks in your pocket and first kiss happy. In turn, her happiness which broadcast loud and clear over BBM made me really effing happy too. Jo deserves every good thing that happens to her and to know how blissed out she was made my whole day. It was better than the high I got from 40 minutes of cardio, the passion I feel for my morning latte and the delight I get over finding a swell new handbag that hugs my body just right.

Everyone has their share of shitty stuff in life. Sometimes it takes us a while to bounce back and until we find our way out of that darkness, we may fear that it will never get better. The last year wasn't the happiest of times for Miss Jojo, but it also wasn't the worst. I think she learned a Hell of a lot about herself and her strength through some of the bullshit. There are always setbacks, but they're lessons if you let them be.

That happiness I felt pulsating through Jo on Friday was infectious. I hadn't heard her be so excited over something in a while and I thought to myself, "She's back." It was awesome like winking at a hot stranger across a crowded room. Like smelling coffee when you wake up. Like feeling the sunshine on your cheeks for the first time that year. Like running into the ocean and diving into a huge wave. All awesome, just like Jo.

This Sunshine Kisses My Face

Well folks, the dwindling economy has affected Major Gal...I got laid off! Sitting at my desk Monday afternoon, I was busily taking screen captures for a user guide I've been creating when the IT manager asked to see me in his office. I thought maybe he could tell that I'd been on FB at work and was going to reprimand me. I saved my work, locked my computer and went downstairs to his office. I did NOT expect to be laid off. My entire team was let go "without cause or prejudice" Monday afternoon, but instead of being upset I see this as a great opportunity. I've been scouring the job sites each day for new opportunities and I've looked into some new courses I want to take and I'm fine with all this. I've already had an interview downtown (right beside Holts - shoot me) and I'm not worried at all. I think this is just the universe testing me again by saying, "Crystal, you know you weren't thrilled with your job and you wanted to move forward, so we gave you the push you needed." This girl bounces back and she does it with style.

The weather has been fantastic the past couple of days and I've relished sitting in my backyard with my dogs and feeling the sun on my face. Things could be so much worse. I have a loving home, friends and family who love me, a sweet Jeep and the faith that I'm coming into bigger and better things in the near future. Sure, I'm unemployed, but I'm healthy and happy. I've spent a lot of time outdoors since becoming a stay-at-home dog mother this week. I take my three mutts on a few walks each day, we cruise over to the dog park and I watch them frolic in the grass and then hose them off after they coat themselves in mud, I spend time in my garden and I enjoy each minute as it comes.

We can never really know what tomorrow will bring. You might lose your job, you might get hurt and you might find love. Whatever comes into your life tomorrow with the sunrise, embrace the opportunities and challenges because they're all part of what the universe has planned for you.

This Challenge

Sometimes we've got to face our challenges bang on. And maybe when we don't want to face them, those around us stir them up for us. I can't tell you how many people in my life this week have asked me what the fuck I'm doing with fire boy. So maybe I don't want to deal with the idea that he's a douche right now and that if he can't see how fucking great I am when I'm right in front of him...it's my choice, right?

Apparently not. People I'm close with, have just met and am getting to know have all hit me with the whole: "Crystal, he's not worth it. Give yourself a timeline and if he hasn't stepped up by then, move on" speech. It's not like I haven't already run this scenario over in my head millions of times, it's just that for some reason I can't move on just yet. So why is that?

I've prayed for love, meditated on the subject, sent love vibes out into the universe in hopes that they'll come back to me and I'll never give up. Each night I turn off my bedside lamp, straighten out my bedding and with my eyes closed I ask for love. I also ask for help and protection for all those who need it and I thank the universe for blessing me with all the wonderful people in my life.

Facing reality can really suck sometimes, but it's still a blessing. When you get the mirror held up to your face and someone forces you to see things for what they really are, it can be a bitch, but it's worth it. No matter how head over heels I am for this guy, I still go to sleep each night knowing that he's the idiot for how this is going and not me. I am upfront and honest with my feelings and if someone can't reciprocate it's their loss.

This Relationship Limbo

My bestie Julia is hopping on a plane this month and taking a chance on love. I think it's a freggin' awesome idea. I took a similar trip a couple of years ago to the west coast for a guy who turned out to be like all the others - looking for sex and not much else - but the trip was still great.

Two summers ago, on a painfully long cab ride from the city to Long Island, Julia, Christina and I made our way to the Long Island Yacht Club for a party with some guys we had met earlier that week in the Meat Packing District. Cabbie guy had no effing idea where we were going (although we asked him before we left Times Square if he knew where he was going) and so we toured the state of New York. I remained calm while my ladies threw tantrums in the cab. I was thinking, "Fuck! If this dude kicks us out of the cab because these two are bitching at him, we're totally on the 11pm news." They were thinking, "This cabbie is an idiot! I'm going to go ballistic on this guy!"

At a four-way stop, a car pulled up next to us and asked if we were lost. He thought it was strange that an NYC cab was not in the city and figured we needed help. After a brief chat, the guy gave Julia his card and we all went on our merry ways.

Two summers later, Julia and Mike the rescue man are still chatting. In fact, a couple of weeks ago they kicked things up - Julia got a berry - and so they BBM each other incessantly. In Julia's words to me the morning after their marathon phone session, "Oh my God! I'm in love with Mike from New York, but I'm so tired now!" I could not have been more delighted for one of the greatest chicks I've ever known.

Before the calendar changes to August, Julia will go visit Mike in Long Island and take a chance on what they're both feeling: excitement, passion, hope and affection. For me, taking a chance on love is never a bad thing. When I went to visit Surfer Boy in Cali a couple of years ago I knew that things could potentially really suck once I got there, but I also knew that if I didn't go and visit him, I'd always wonder what "could" have happened. We still talk occasionally and I don't regret flying into John Wayne Airport in 2007 to see where things could go with Surfer Boy. The relationship or lack of went nowhere. I wanted something and he didn't and it's fine. It taught me to toughen up if anything.

Sometimes it's tough to know where you stand in a relationship or whether or not your casual dating has moved into relationship status. Silly me, I thought a plane ticket meant relationship, but it only meant sunshine, LA and a lot of shopping on Rodeo Drive. Hopefully, things for Julia and Mike work out differently. I would love nothing more than to hear her voice upon arrival in Toronto telling me that it was the best trip of her life and that she and Mike are 100% in love. That would be fantastic.

This Sunday Drive

Last night I took my baby sister to the city for a workshop. Driving down the DVP, I was happy with the weather but bummed about where I was getting off the highway. Going West on Eglington brings me to his place, but last night I was heading East. I glanced down Eglington and wondered what he was doing that very moment. My eyes shot towards my phone and then I looked back at the road. No use torturing myself when the sun is shining.

Further into the trip I cross the Danforth - his old work turf and of course I see the sign for the hall. Deep breath, crank the music and paste a smile on your face! Shortly after that episode the upbeat chimes of Vampire Weekend float out of my speakers and directly into my gut. I hadn't heard of them until he mentioned them and subsequently I'm hooked on their songs while I work. It's happy music and right now it's making me miserable. Fuck! Why is the universe pointing him out to me today? Why can't I just have a regular Sunday evening without being victim to painful memories?

I have to constantly remind myself that he's the idiot for letting this fall apart. When I'm feeling especially weak, I read the sticky note I wrote to myself about why this isn't my fault and how although it sucks, he doesn't deserve me right now. For the most part it helps, but there are moments when I just want to scream.

You find strength when you need it. During business hours, I message my work bestie and she tells me that under no circumstances can I contact him. When I'm on my own, I text a friend to remind me that I'm freggin' awesome and that I can't call him because he bailed on this. Before I go to sleep, I ask a higher power to heal my heart and to watch over the boy. He may have broken my heart, but I still want the best for him and since he can't see what that is right now, I pray that someone shows him.

Each day gets easier and that makes me sad. If I'm getting over him, maybe it was never all I thought it was. If I'm not crying anymore, does that mean it's totally over? This turmoil makes me question a lot in my life. I'm afraid that I was really blind and I worry about my ability to judge the strength of my romantic relationships as a result. What if I had it all wrong? What if it was NEVER what I thought it could be and he was never the person I thought he was? Am I really that naive?

Things are looking up though. I'm taking control of other areas in my life and letting romance roll in as it wishes. I may be broken, but I know how to make myself better.

This Ex/Current Bestie

Tonight I went to The Host (killer Indian restaurant in TO) with my ex/bestfriend, his roomie and her mother. Mattar paneer, good conversation - even the parts that roomie translated for her Cuban mother - and a stroll through Yorkville made for a relaxing evening in the city.

The air was warm and comfortable and I realized how blessed I am to still have Dushi in my life. After a horrible breakup a few years ago, I told him I never wanted to see him again. I couldn't bear the thought of knowing how his life would turn out without me in it. Dushi told me that there was no way he was going to let me forget him and that no matter how much it sucked at the time, we had to remain friends because of how close we'd become in our epic relationship.

I communicate with Dushi on a daily basis. I speak to him more than I speak to my closest girlfriends. I'm not playing favourites, I just share an ease with Dushi that's hard to find in most relationships. Once we were able to accept the fact that our romantic relationship had to end, and the initial wounded heart feelings subsided, we were able to turn our relationship into something even better.

I'm sure there are people who think we're still in love with one another and I can assure you, we're not. If I wanted to be with him, I would. It's that simple. He brings things to my life as a friend that he couldn't or didn't as my boyfriend and we're soooo much more compatible now. I'm not trying to be what I thought his ideal wife would be and he's not torturing himself over not being the guy I needed at the time. We laugh, we talk and most importantly, he's the first person I go to with big news, with heartbreaks, with career questions, with life queries and with basically everything. He's more than just a friend to me. He's one of the most important people in my universe and I feel so blessed to have the relationship I do with him.

You can't always be friends with an ex, but if you can, it's so worth it.

This Retail Therapy

I believe in relationship karma. I don't enter a new relationship with any of the same underwear or pajamas I had in the last relationship. For me, underwear carries the ghosts of boys from a past life. If you see me raiding Aerie this week, you'll know why.

Another thing I always do to move forward from a heartbreak is to buy myself something really expensive, really gorgeous and really unnecessary. A few broken hearts ago I strolled through Holts on Bloor Street laden with a handbag, my daily Starbucks latte, an army of tear stained tissues and my credit card. I found my way to Michael Kors and gave my heart to another man. This is where my personal theme of "breakup bags" began. A double strap, camel, gold and cappuccino coloured canvas bag perched itself on my limp arm and whispered, "It's okay sweetie. He can't hurt you anymore. I'll protect you." Thus began my relationship with my MK bag. It's been beat up over the seasons, but remains my go-to bag since it matches most everything I own. I'm an earth tones gal. My father hates when I wear black, he prefers earthy hues for his eldest daughter.

Last fall, I barely had to twist her arm to convince Rach that we (meaning I and therefore her) needed a trip to Yorkdale for the sole purpose of slamming down the plastic and forgetting about the latest heart turmoil. A fabulous Coach wallet, a dreamy new scent and my first Marc Jacob's bag ever dried up the tears and lead to an alarming call from Visa at work the next day. "Miss Major, this is the Visa Fraud Protection Department. We have some questions about the recent activity on your account. Could you answer some questions for us please?" Holy shit! I really know how to mend a broken heart and tear apart my credit at the same time. After assuring them that my card hadn't been stolen and that I had in fact blown THAT much cash in a single afternoon, I was confident that my new handbag would not only carry all my junk for me, but also accompany me on many new adventures for the purpose of finding true love.

This time, I'm considering an electronic gadget in place of a new breakup bag. After all, I do love all my handbags and a new toy would be more entertaining. Julia told me I have to treat myself last night while we were trying to figure out how to work her new berry. This phone comes with a DVD and a bijillion user manuals, yet neither of us could figure out how to send a text message from it. I can barely use the call waiting on my phone and I may be the last person on earth NOT to have a Blackberry, but today could change all that. I'm sure it will frustrate the shit out of me, make me regret my choice of abandoning my trusty qwerty keyboard slider phone and basically want to tear my hair out, but through that new phone angst I'll have temporarily forgotten about him. It's worth the monthly bill and irritation of programming a new mobile.