This Season of Loving

The first time you turn on your laptop after ending a relationship can be another slap in the face. With the chime of Windows this evening I was visually assaulted with a happy image of me and the boy. We are no longer. I'm just me and he's just him and we will not be sharing my monitor anymore. Now, when I turn on my computer I'll see my smiling face next to one of my bestie's, all aglow on a night downtown.

Sometimes you just know stuff. Sometimes, you knew all along but tried to see otherwise. Sometimes, even when you knew you should have walked away long before, you hung in there and let yourself get hurt again.

I don't want to fill this entry with tears and sorrow. Anguish is my new pal this week, along with Nyquil (I'm fighting a nasty cold), waking up at 4am and schlepping myself to the couch while the birds are still chirping. I haven't allowed myself to rent the latest Hollywood rom-com starring Aniston, Connelly, Cooper and a slew of others because I'm avoiding the whole, "I told you so" vibe. He's not that into me and no matter how many ways I try to spin it, the whole thing sucks and my puffy eyelids can prove how torn up I am over it.

I thought I'd have better news and more cheerful entries for an eternity. Instead, you might be filling yourselves up on my bitterness, torment, shredded heart and feverish tears. The boy joked, "Don't write nasty things about me in your blog" and I won't. Not because I don't think he deserves having his asshole behaviour splayed across the net, but because I'm hesitant to do something in this state that I'll regret later. When the tears dry up and "those" songs don't stir my insides like vinegar and baking soda, I'll likely wish I didn't call him those names and stick those pins into the voodoo doll I named after him. I'll let my girlfriends do the hating, while I do the wallowing and then one day I'll be back to bliss.

Speak soon my sweets :)

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