This Sunday in May

Mother's Day comes every year and every year I feel that void where Mama should be. I don't get to rush out last minute to buy her flowers. I don't get to pick out the perfect card. I can't agonize over picking the perfect gift for my perfect mother. Instead, the sadness trickles in and I wonder how the day would have been with her here.

Sure, this sounds like an echo of my emotions from most holidays but the fact is, if your mother is around today, tell her how much you love her. Call her. Take her out for brunch. Make her dinner. Sit down and chat with her. Do some laundry so she doesn't have to, because really, you don't know how lucky you are to have her.

The last gift I got my mom for Mother's Day was a booklet of herb garden layouts and seeds. She loved gardening and I thought she would enjoy planting rosemary, thyme and marjoram that summer. She didn't live through that summer and I still haven't planted those seeds. I just can't. Not yet anyways. Yes, it's been over a decade since my mom passed away, but we do some strange stuff when we lose a loved one. There are spices in cupboards at my Dad's house that are useless now since they're ancient, but she bought them so I keep them. Each time I look in that cupboard, it's kind of like she's still here. It sounds mental, I know.

My Mom was rad. She was beautiful, funny, smart and crazy enough to have three kids. She never had to discipline me because one look at her face and I knew I had better shape up. She didn't yell, she glared.

Her blue eyes always looked best sparkling with a smile. I can still hear her laugh when I think about me dancing around her to whatever music she was playing. She used to tease me after tap class when I was five, but now I think it's pretty cute. I learned how to find something to laugh about in otherwise shitty situations from her. When things were less than perfect, she never stopped laughing. It's a gift I'm lucky to have.

This Mother's Day my mom has her mom for the first time in years. I wonder how things are going up there in heaven...probably super awesome! I'm sad for me and I'm sad for my aunts and uncles since this is the first time in their lives they've had a Mother's Day without their Mom. I'm an old pro now.

Well, this post didn't have a path and I didn't stress over coherence that much. I just wanted to write a little something about my mama. I've added a photo of my Mom from a work party years ago. She was probably about my age actually. Killer hair Mom - I know, it was the 80s.